The Pain of a Teenager
by Ja ne Kat
Summary: The rating is forlater chapters.The boys are travelling west still.but this time they are going for themselves. Lets join them and see the inner workings,and maybe learn a thing or two about Goku's past.On Hiatus, sorry to all who liked it. i will get it
1. Garbage

I don't own Saiyuki. The songs that are scattered threw the story belong to their owners. I'll tell you at the start of each chapter!

Please give me all the comments that you can, good and bad. I'm new at this, so, if something is not done right put it in your review so I may change it. The Japanese most of all. Thanks in advance.

Ja ne Kat

wvwvwvw Someplace different!

Growing Pains

"Gimmie that back you perverted Kappa!" Goku yelled for the umpteenth time that day.

"Make me, dumb ass Monkey!" Goyjo yelled back

"Would if I could."

"Both of you shut up before I clean up a few more pieces of Garbage!" Sanzo yelled. The two in the back shut up instantly. Hakkai smiled.

"Too bad." Hakkai said softly.

"Nani ou?" Goku asked, popping his head into the front of the jeep.

"We ran out of food at lunch. You and Goyjo just lost the last piece when Sanzo yelled at you."

"NANI!?!?! Sanzo we have to find something to eat before I die!"

Sanzo turned and pointed his gun at the boy with a satisfying CLICK.

"You just finished eating! Your not going to die! So, shut up and act like a person, before I'm forced to have the pleasure of killing you." Sanzo said into the dead silence. Goku looked up and saw real anger and impatience in the priest that was his keeper. Sanzo nodded, happy that the boy was finally quiet. The rest of the ride was continued in that same silence. Goku didn't even ask for a drink of water.

There were only two rooms to rent at the Inn that night. Hakkai said that he'd share a room with Goku, much to the dismay of Gojyo. Sanzo didn't care as long as Gojyo didn't bring in any bed partners, female or otherwise. All this said he dismissed them for the night. Gojyo pulled Hakkai aside.

"Hey! What's the matter? Did I do something to make you mad? You don't normally mind me picking on the ape." Gojyo pouted. Hakkai leaned forward till he just barely brushed his lips across the other man's, then he pulled back, much to Gojyo's disappointment.

"Of course you haven't done anything wrong, Anata. Goku just looked really down in the jeep today and I want to make sure he's alright. Maybe I can help him cheer up." Hakkai said

"Oh Great!" Huffed Gojyo. "I get SACRIFICED to the crazy Priest just because the monkey looked a little down! If he shoots me, I'm so coming back to haunt you."

Hakkai broke out of his masked smile into a rarely seen real one.

"Promise?" He inquired of the redhead.

"Oh, I promise." Gojyo said with a pout. Hakkai hauled the taller man to him.

"Goddamned need to breathe." Gojyo breathed a few minutes later.

"I'll make it up to you later." Hakkai said just as breathlessly.

"Promise?" Gojyo question came out almost like a plea.

"Oh, I promise." Hakkai said mimicking the word's Gojyo had uttered a few minutes before. With that he pulled away and slipped silently up the stairs.

"Dumb Monkey."

Hakkai slid into the room without a sound. Goku had claimed the bed that was pushed under the window and sat upon the sill looking out into the night. Hakkai looked closer and saw the tears trailing down the young boys face.

"Thank you . . . Hakkai." Goku said softly. Surprise chased across Hakkai's features before his face slid back into his blank smile.

"For what, Goku-kun?" He inquired.

"For worrying about me, but Gojyo's going to be unbearably grumpy tomorrow." He said with his own little smile playing across his features. This time the surprise stayed on Hakkai's face.

"When did . . .? How did . . . ? Who did . . . ? " He trailed off unsure what he wanted to know at that moment.

"Not even I'm that clueless. Even I can see that Gojyo is plain gone on you." Goku finally turned away from the window with his rarely seen serious face looking right at Hakkai. It was the face of a person who'd been punished with 500 years of thought and loneliness. It was one of those rare times that Hakkai was sharply remind that Goku was older then all of them in both age and experience. He was also the most emotionally fucked up person Hakkai had ever met. Himself included.

"Thank you Goku-san." Hakkai said to the man on the bed, unsure how else to address him. He was no longer speaking to the child that was his friend, but to the man that Goku would grow up to be someday . . . or maybe had already been. The man nodded to him.

"You're welcome and very lucky." As Hakkai watched the child swam up to the surface pushing the older self away like it never existed. "I wish I had someone who'd care about me that much. I don't remember anyone whoever gave a damn about wether I lived or died." More tears trailed down the boys cheeks. He looked up at Hakkai and smiled while tears fell down his cheeks. "Do you think that the baths would still be open?"

Hakkai nodded dumbly and watched as the boy walked out of the room. He remained standing in the doorway, remembering silver tears and tortured gold eyes.

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"Why are you so mean to him?" Gojyo demanded of the leather clad Priest.

"I'm not. Why are you so perverted?"

"I like it."

"Whatever." Sanzo said before turning his back on the hanyou.

"You can't really enjoy being that mean to him?" Sanzo gave him no answer.

With a sigh Gojyo left the silent monk with the intention of getting something to drink before he went back into that ice cold room. "Baka!" He muttered to himself as he headed down the hall. "He has a devoted person right there in front of him who cares . . . "

"Loves." Came a soft voice. Gojyo turned to the right. There in the doorway, with his back turned to him, stood Hakkai.

"Nani?!?!?" Gojyo asked his lover. Hakkai shrugged and turned around without fixing on his smile in place, without it Hakkai's face was a sad, melancholy one.

"Goku loves Sanzo. You can't have that much pain and sorrow without love." Hakkai gave him a humorless smile. "Trust me. I would know."

Gojyo seemed to take this in for a second. "So . . . are we going to help him?"

"No, were not."

"Nani? Doushda?" Gojyo was shocked that Hakkai was going to be so unfeeling to the poor monkey's feelings. Hakkai was always the first one to jump in and help the boy.

"Because Sanzo doesn't tell us how he feels. If he only feels a responsibility toward Goku because he let him free, we'd be dooming Goku to a relationship where he'd be used. No one wants that. I'm sure even Goku would rather be alone then be used. The best thing that we can do for him is to keep him happy."

Gojyo moved forward and kissed his green-eyed partner, hoping to take some of the worry out of his face. He smiled down a t Hakkai. "That's what I love about you."

"Nani?" Hakkai asked confused. Gojyo shook his head, liking the fact that even Hakkai could be confused.

"You're so cute when you're lost." Gojyo said to annoy him. With that he went back to his bed where he promptly fell asleep.

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K! There you go. It has two invented charaters in some of the later chapters, because I had to invent some of Goku's past. So I added a Girl and a Guy. But you'll have to wait to meet them.

It's a secret.

Ja ne

Kat

R and R please?!?!?!?!?!?


	2. The monkey

Saiyuki Still doesn't belong to me. I'm really upset about it too.

I'm sorry this took so long, I had to get a new comp and this story got ruined. I write everything out on paper first and my cousin got pissed and totaled it. So instead of just copying it out I have to rewrite the whole thing

Growing pains chapter 2

Ja ne, Kat

Later after all the fun and games Hakkai and Gojyo lay wrapped in each others arms. When a soft noise reached their ears.

"Ne? Hakkai? Do you hear that?" it almost sound like...

"Someone's singing." Hakkai stated. They both looked around the room.

"Goku!" they said as they stood up. They ran blindly down the halls till the sound got closer. They burst in to the outdoors looking at the baths.

Goku sat curled on a rock looking like a water nymph. The sound was a song pouring out of the mans lips. His eyes were closed and he didn't seem to notice them enter his solitude.

_Time can bring you down,_

_Time can bend your knees._

_Time can break your heart _

_Have you begging please..._

_Begging please?_

On the last note the boys voice broke and he collapsed on the rock. Hakkai ran forward.

"Goku? Diajabou deska?" he blinked his eyes up at them.

"Yea. I was watching the sun and those words just... came to me. They gave me a really sad feeling. Sorry to worry you. You... you won't tell Sanzo will you?"

Hakkai and Gojyo looked at each other.

"No. We won't tell Sanzo." Goku smiled at Hakkai's words and fell asleep in his arms.

"Now what are we going to do?" Goyjo asked.

"Put him in a bed. What else do you do with sleeping people?"

"If it's you I can think of lots of other things."

"It's not me is it?" Hakkai said.

"Nope, but it will be at the next inn." unnoticed to them Sanzo turned and went back into his room.

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"Some go and get that fucking monkey! We should have been gone long ago!" Sanzo was in a foul mood the following morning.

"He was up late..."

"What? Got tired of the Kappa? Not that I blame you but I didn't think you'd cheat in him."

Hakkai's answer was stopped by Goku coming down stairs. "Good, now we can be going." with that Sanzo headed outside.

"Good morning Goku. Would you like breakfast?"

"No. Lets ... lets just go." Hakkai and Goyjo exchanged worried looks behind him.

"Sanzo not going without us. Hakayruu won't go without me with him."

"I'd really rather just go." with that the poor hungry monkey headed outside.

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To days ride was very different then any other. No noise came from the car as it eat up the miles between them and their destination. It was like that when they got to a part that they'd have to walk through, as they went to rock, paper, scissors goku reached down and grabbed the bag, heading of without them. Sanzo looked happy at having one less delay, Hakkai and Goyjo didn't seem to share his feelings. They walked for a full half a day before they realized they would have to camp out. They day ended as it had been going. They all eat in silence and went to bed the same way.

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**He watch in horror as the manacles re-circled him.** **He was back. Trapped in the stone and dirt cage that had long been his home. His deepest fear, his greatest nightmare was coming true. Damn if he was going to take it calmly this time.**

"**Why? Why are you doing this! Sanzo! Tell me why?" the Priest turned back to him, he could see Hakkai and Goyjo pointing and laughing at him for not knowing the answer. He really didn't care, he had to know the answer.**

"**Why? You have to ask? I'm leaving you here because you are a worthless, whining monkey. All you do is cause me trouble. You can't keep up the rest of us, you waste all the money feeding your stomach, you can't even keep yourself under control. You almost got all of us killed when you lose control. Why would we not leave you here?"**

**With that the Priest turned and left, the sun leaving with him. Goku yelled as darkness fell on him again, wrapping him in cold.**

"**No! Sanzo! Don't leave me here!" Nothing. No reaction. They kept walking way. "Hakkai! Goyjo! Please... Please! Don't go." the last of the light faded away.**

"**SANZO!"**

R and R

thanks

booklover9 and Koinu-Chan it's nice to know that someone read it. So this chapter is just 4 U!

Sorry it's short!


	3. more sadness

Nope, really it's not mine . . . But if you want to think so, I'll take it as a compliment.

The song from the last chapter was Eric Clapton's Tears in Heaven

And so here we go on to chapter 3

Growing Pains

Part three

Ja ne Kat

**Hakkai was stumbling through the rain . . . again. He hated the rain. He didn't have time to think about it. Someone was chasing him. Vegetation tore at his clothes his skin, he kept running.**

**Where was Goyjo? Had he finally left him? Where was anyone for that matter? He tried to remember how he had ended up here but he had no clue. Was Goyjo or one of the others hurt somewhere?**

"**Help me! Somebody . . . anybody." His voice dropped off to whisper as he fell to his knees. How long he stayed like that he had no idea, he only knew that after awhile it felt like someone was watching him. He started to walk and then run again, but, the feeling stayed with him no matter fast he moved.**

"**Hakkai?" the wind seemed to call. It forced him to run faster.**

"**Hakkai."Goyjo! Goyjo was calling him. **

"**Goyjo! Where are you?" he had the feeling that he was now running back the way he had come from, running back to whatever it was that had scared him. He stopped suddenly. He looked all around him. The bushes moved off to his left, and he was pinned beneath a strong warm body, looking up into eyes the colour of sunrise.**

"**GOYJO?" he whispered, not quite believing it.**

"**Of course, baka! What the hell did you think you were doing?" Gojyo asked, worry plain on his face, in his voice. **

**Then a yell sliced the night bringing him back to the real world.**

"**SANZO!"**

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"**Get out you little brat! Do you like to make me sad? Get out of my house." His mother reached for the plate she had been cleaning. Shards cut into his skin from where it shattered. "Get out!"**

**He ran. He ran past all the stares and whispers that always followed him wherever he went. He ran right out of town, he didn't stop till his foot slipped on a rock and he landed in the river he'd been trying to cross. He screamed as he felt the something "other" in him rush up and want to play in that water. He might have lost it right then, his human forever lost to the madness the most half breeds suffer from, but, a strong hand pulled him out of the water.**

"**Goyjo? Are you in there?" he looked up and smiled at his brother. It took him two tries to answer him. **

"**H-hai Jien. Sorry for making you come get me." His brother shook his head and hauled him onto a bigger rock. He was glad Jien had come. Jien never acted as though he was a mistake that should be killed. He told the boy all about his day and took him shopping with him. Jien never seemed to notice the stares they got as the walked around.**

"**Will you please stop apologizing for living? I don't think you're any trouble at all. You didn't choose your heritage and I know you didn't ask for it. You're my little bro and I love you. Of course I came to get you. Why wouldn't I?"**

"**I made her so mad. I..." he couldn't speak any more he had to stop, had to cry. He hated when he did that, but he had to do it. If he didn't he knew something bad would happen. Jien just held him, and rubbed his back in small circles till he couldn't cry anymore.**

"**Think you can walk?"**

"**Of course." Goyjo said. And then proved it by falling back in the water. "Jien!" he was hauled out again.**

"**Jeez, and here I thought you knew how to walk." Jien carried him to the bank. By that time the boy had fallen asleep in his arms. "A good thing your not heavy."**

**Goyjo was woken up by a whimper. Someone he cared about calling him.**

"**GOYJO?"**

**Someone else's heart was breaking. **

"**SANZO!"**

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**Sanzo stared as the Youkai ripped his master apart. Watched as they laughed at his weakness.**

_**No, this is isn't real.**_

**His master lay there bleeding. He raised his hand toward him gifting him with his mark, his curse.**

**_This is the past wake up. You're not real_. **

**He curled his child like body into a corner and dreamed that nightmare again.**

"**Would you like a different scene?" a fightingly familiar voice asked. "Let's try this one, from a god's point of view"**

**And he was staring at the last time he and Goku had shared a room, before the monkey began acting weird.**

**_I hate flashbacks. _It was all he had time to think.**

_Sanzo was woken up by a whimper. Normally he would have thrown the monkey out of bed, but, this wasn't the normal sound the boy made, and the boy had been having bad dreams lately. Sanzo bolted up in bed. He turned to look at the poor monkey. He had made himself as small as he possibly could. His arms, which were trembling, were locked around his knees, tears leaked out of closed eyes._

"_Goku!" He shouted. He reached out and shook the boy. Nothing, no reaction from Goku. He sighed then slapped him. Hard. Still, nothing. "Hakkai!"_

_It took no time at all for the other two members of their team to hit their door way._

"_Nani!" Hakkai exclaimed as he took in the convulsing bundle on the bed. He moved forward . . . as Sanzo got blasted back. As they looked up from the pile, they had been blasted into, Goku floated up off the bed, surrounded in golden light._

"_YOU'LL NOT USE ME AGAIN!" He yelled, still asleep. As the words left his mouth, his diadem glowed blue and a girl's soft voice filled the room._

_... They say if you love something let it go,_

_If it comes back it's yours that's how you know,_

_It's for keeps, and it's for sure..._

_The voice faded away with the light as Goku was gently lowered onto the bed._

"_Crintha." He said happily, as Hakkai walked over to the bed._

"_Goku?" he said softly. Golden eyes slid open._

"_Hai, Hakkai." The monkey murmured sleepily_

"_You okay?" Goku blinked at the brunette in confusion._

"_Hai. Why?"_

"_Nothing, go back to sleep Goku." The boy nodded and a few minutes later fell asleep again._

"_Well?" Goyjo asked. Hakkai just shook his head. _

"_The only time I have ever felt energy like that was after a natural disaster, an earthquake."_

"_What?" Goyjo said, clearly not understanding a word. Sanzo just shrugged._

"_Each element on the plant has its own ki. If you go to the scene of a disaster, you can feel the energy the element had to use to make that disaster." Hakkai said._

"_And Goku felt like that?" Goyjo asked incredulously._

"_That's not very surprising if you think about it." Sanzo said, thinking of how he'd found the monkey._

"_I know what you told us, but I never believed it, ya'know." Goyjo said_

"_Let's worry about it later." Sanzo said. "There's nothing we can do about it, so let's just go back to bed."_

_He watched as the others walked out, but spun around at the sound of footsteps. There, outlined by moonlight stood Goku._

"_Sanzo . . . ?"_

"_You fucking monkey, you were faking . . . " Sanzo started to yell but Goku cut him off._

"_Please Sanzo, what did I do this time? Who did I hurt? What happened . . . "_

_Goku was silenced by Sanzo's mouth. His eyes widened in surprise. If felt . . . nice. Really nice, and warm, and soft. Sanzo was very soft. Just then Sanzo pulled back and it all went away. Goku found himself looking into closed, guarded violet eyes._

"_Now stay quiet and go to sleep." Sanzo told him before get back into bed, turning his back on the poor confused boy._

_Goku felt the tears build up silently in his eyes. Had Sanzo kissed him just to shut him up? Then why were his eyes closed if he wasn't enjoying it? Did he wish he'd been kissing a girl? Goku laid down on the floor beaten._

**Sanzo was stilled curled in a ball when it ended, but he was no longer the child he had been during his nightmare.**

"**Kouryuu." The voice was talking to him again.**

_**Go away. I wish you would just go away. You're not real.**_

"**Genjo Sanzo! Stand up!" Sanzo's pride and the title forced him to stand before his master. "Kouryuu, what happened to you?"**

"**What?" for the first time Sanzo noticed that the temple was gone. They were standing in a big black void. "Where are we?"**

"**Where no lies can be told. Your heart, your mind. Your Self. Are you going to give me an answer?"**

"**I don't understand what you meant."**

"**When I heard your voice, you were polite, well-mannered and rarely ever got upset. Now you get made over noise and start shooting. To think that boy gives a damn about you, although way is beyond me. He believes all those things you say about him . . . to him. Yet he still believes in you, trusts in you. Just like you did me." He paused to look at Sanzo. "IS the fact that he's a boy the only thing stopping you?" His master asked the question quietly, as if he was afraid of the answer.**

**Sanzo just looked at him. Was the fact the Goku was male the only thing holding him back? No, at least he didn't think so.**

"**No." He said, with a lot more certainty then he felt.**

"**Good." His master said. "I would hate to have to start being afraid to admit I know you, to be ashamed of you."**

"**You mean you're not yet?"**

"**No. Why would I be, Kouryuu?"**

"**I would be." Sanzo said as he lowered his head.**

"**There is no shame in surviving." His shishou said with conviction. He then went back to his earlier train of thought. "What is stopping you?"**

**Sanzo's mind stalled. What WAS stopping him? He spit out the first thing that can to mind.**

"**He really is just a kid, despite his age and I happen to be the adult in charge of taking care of him, and . . . and he's too innocent to know what was going on. It seems a little like rape to me." Sanzo's mind flashed to the monkey floating above the bed. Yelling. He raised his head, looking his shishou in the eyes. "I'd hate to be another name he had to add to the list of people who used him." **

**Whatever would have been said was drowned out by a more important voice calling him.**

** Sanzo? Come back, I'm here. Sanzo? **

**It was the voice that still called out to him sometimes. Goku would always swear he hadn't done it, even when Sanzo threatened to shoot him. The words from the first time he'd seen the monkey would always come back to him.**

"**...I ...I didn't call you."**

**Sanzo looked back over at his master when a wave of despair and pain pushed him to his knees. He knew instantly that it wasn't his, but Goku's.**

** Stop! Sanzo! PLEASE STOP! Someone hit the ground and the rattling of chains echoed through him. When he thought it was over a cry broken of desperation and despair went through his heart along with a sinking feeling.**

**SANZO!**

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Sanzo sat up.

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Just for you booklover9. I'm really glad that your still reading it. It means a lot to me so thanks. It's nice that you always give a review right away so I have something to work with when I start the next chapter.

Aimeara- thank you very much for your kind review. Yes my Japanese really is just awful but I promise to correct it when I figure out how. Chapter 2 is sad Whaa. But I hoped that this chapter explained it some. If not, you'll understand in the next. I really like that you corrected me. Thanks for keeping me on the right path.

Thanks to everyone else who reviewed too!

Ja ne

Kat


	4. After the Dream

I'm poor please don't sue, and I don't own it.

Sorry this took so long. But sometimes life gets in the way. I'm forgiven right? The snippet from the last chapter was from What a Girl Wants by Christina Aguilera.

K, And now for the explanations. LOL

goku's thought's in Sanzo's head.>

Growing Pains - After the Dream

Sanzo sat up, eyes automatically searching their camp for the disturbance. To one side of him Goyjo was waking and checking on Hakkai, who was also just waking up. However, on his other side lay a violently shaking figure. Sanzo got up and went to see what was wrong with the boy.

"Goku?" he said softly. Nothing. "Goku!" he shook the boy to no avail. "Hakkai."

It took them a heartbeat to get over to where the monkey lay, Hakkai's hands where already glowing green when he arrived. He put his hands over the boy, letting his ki soak into him. After a few long moments Hakkai raised his head.

"What's wrong with fucking Saru now?" Sanzo demanded. Hakkai shook his head, and shrugged.

"Nothing. Nothing is wrong with him. He just can't or won't wake up. I have no clue what's keeping him asleep. I. . ."

The rest of what Hakkai would have said was drowned out by a more important voice calling out to him.

Here.> It pleaded. Sanzo closed his eyes and concentrated on that think weak voice. If Goku could talk to him, there must be a way to talk back.

Help me.>

_How? _Sanzo thought back into a blank space in his mind.

Sanzo?> a pause that seemed to last a lifetime. Sanzo, come back.>

_Dammit Saru! Where?_

Here.>

_Where is here, Goku?_ He demanded of the boy. It worked. He got an answer. It just wasn't the answer that he wanted.

I'm sorry. I liked kissing you. I'm sorry that I'm a boy and I'm sorry that the fact that I love you makes you unhappy.>

_Goku? Goku!_

Nothing. For the first time in a long time, there was little to no presence at the edge of his mind. He was finally alone in it. It wasn't what he thought it would be.

_GOKU!_

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Sanzo bolted up right in his bed roll. He turned to see Hakkai awake and looking at him.

"Welcome back, Sanzo." Hakkai said a smile firmly in place.

"What happened?"

"I was hoping that you would be able to tell me the answer to that." Hakkai looked at him expectantly. Sanzo shook his head. He had never told them what had been driving him to find Goku. He always thought that it had sounded silly afterwards. Only crazy people heard voices. Then it started, a voice echoed in his head and repeated itself every five minutes.

Come back.>

Sanzo?>

I'm sorry.>

Why?.

It was a good enough reminder of why he had gone to find the person who had been calling him.

"Sanzo?" Hakkai called, waving a hand in front of the priest's face. "Are you feeling well?"Sanzo just stared at him. "You went deathly pale just now."

"Yea, you didn't even answer when we called." Goyjo threw in. Hakkai placed his hand in front of his lover's mouth.

"I think you should fill us in, Sanzo." Hakkai said softly. "It might help us wake Goku up."

I'm sorry.>

With that Sanzo's fuse ran out.

"Fine! Whatever! So long as he stops calling me!" Sanzo yelled.

"Nani!" Hakkai said, sure he had heard wrong.

_What now, Kouryuu? _Chided a voice.

come back> Goku was sounding weaker.

"Sanzo!" Goyjo yelled, shaking the priest. "Ouch!" he exclaimed rubbing the spot where Sanzo's fan had connected.

"Are you going to tell us?" Hakkai asked. He was working hard to speak softly. Sanzo was the only one who knew what was happing and yelling at the stubborn priest wasn't going to get them any where. Sanzo looked at him for a long time before he sighed, and proceeded to fill in the gaps he had left out before, after which, the priest had promptly passed out.

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Hakkai sat staring at the fire, long after even Goyjo had fallen asleep. He looked at the boy, the monk and then back to the fire.

"Extraordinary." He murmured. "Impossible." Yet, he could see the proof right in front of him. Goku would have a violent attack and the priest would fold in on himself. "They're bound. Amazing."

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Come back.>

_Where?_ Sanzo asked again.

I'm sorry.>

_For what?_

Sanzo?>

_Who else, Saru?_

Why?>

_Why what, Goku? Goku!_ The next part took a long time to come to him.

I'm scared.>

That was new. Some part of the monkey must still be there.

_It'll be okay._

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Goyjo put his hand on Hakkai's shoulder. The smaller youkai smiled up at him.

"Yes, Goyjo?"

"You've been like this for hours. What's wrong with you?" Goyjo asked. The worry in the back of his eyes not quite masked. Hakkai sighed, both from the question and the fact that he had made Goyjo worry. He waved a hand at the bodies on the other side of the fire.

"Remember what Sanzo told us? That Goku could talk into his head without meaning to, without even knowing that he was doing it?"

"Yea."

"And yesterday Goku even managed to force his feeling on him?"

"So?" Goyjo asked, not seeing it as important.

"Who's to say that Sanzo can't do the same back?"

Goyjo stared at him for several minutes.

"Ne, Hakkai? What would that do to them?"

Hakkai was quiet for so long that Goyjo had to make sure that he was still awake. Hakkai was looking at the fire. The red of it caught in his green eyes, like a forest was smothering a fire.

"Ne, Hakkai?"

"They'd be bonded."

"What's wrong with that?"

"They would be . . . an . . . I don't know . . . a mated pair, each depending on the other's constant presence to survive."

"So. . . . what happens if Goku doesn't wake up?" Goyjo asked finally understanding the implications of such a thing.

"I really don't know."

Hakkai seemed even more troubled by that. It was his job to heal the group after all and here was a problem that he couldn't fix. He knew Hakkai genuinely like the Saru, and tried to help him if he could. Hakkai sighed.

"Hakkai?" Goyjo asked. He really wanted Hakkai to say that he was all right.

"Goku could die, he could just wake up or. . . . " Hakkai let his next thought trail off. Goyjo was getting the definite impression that he didn't want Hakkai to finish that thought that. But . . . he didn't want Hakkai to suffer alone.

"Or what?" Goyjo prompted

"Or they could both die."

Wvwvwvwvwv

Konzen?>

There was that name again. Only the three gods had called him that, but from this voice it sounded right.

_Sanzo. My name is Sanzo_.

Sanzo? Come back.>

_Where?_

Here.>

_Gods Dammit Goku!_

I didn't think there was anyone left in the world, till you came and freed me. I was sure no one was left alive to hear me. I thought that I would be stuck I that cave all alone till the sun burned out, but, then you were walking toward me as the sun rose. You brought me back to your home and reintroduced me to everyone;

Tenpou-Hakkai,

Kenren-Goyjo

Konzen and you.

I wanted to say, Thank you . . . Just incase I hadn't yet.>

Wvwvwvwv

They bolted up right at the same moment, as they did Hakkai moved to see to Goku. Goyjo looked over at the priest. Sanzo just nodded to him. Then a voice rang out.

"Konzen!" The monkey avoided Hakkai's attempt to hold him dashing over to Sanzo. "Sanzo! You didn't put me back. You didn't leave me there. I'm so glad. So very, very glad." The poor little monkey broke down crying after that. Sanzo just looked down at him for a long time. Slowly his arms went around the boy, almost against his will.

"Goku?" the priest inquired, wanting to know that the monkey was back.

"I'm dreaming. Please Sanzo, don't let me wake up! Please, let me stay here with all of you. Please . . . please . . . please . . . " the boy trailed off repeating the word "please" over and over.

"GOKU!" Sanzo snapped. The boy in his lap slowly raised a tear streaked face to his.

"H-hai?"

"What did you dream?"

"That you left me! Left me all alone, back at that cave!" he stopped and slowly drew in a breath. "To wait till the next time you come back." The monkey shrugged. "Maybe the others will be there again too."

Sanzo looked to Hakkai and Goyjo, and they stared back. Their faces said plainly. "We don't know."

"Goku?" the boy hugged him again. "What do we have to do to convice you that your not dreaming?"

The next words out of the boy's mouth were so broken that it hurt to hear them.

"I don't think I'll ever be fully convinced. Deep inside some part of me will always be afraid that I'm going to wake up."

Hakkai knelt down so he was level with the boy.

"We always worry about that. Deep down everyone wonders if what they see is a dream. We have to learn to believe the people around us when they tell us that, we're here, we're real." He ruffled the boy's hair. "That's what we're tell you."

"Oi! Dumb-ass! Can't you even tell if you're awake or not?"

Goku jumped up to argue with the redhead.

"I'm not some dumb-ass. You're the dumb-ass."

"No it you."

"No you."

"Nope you, Saru."

"Mai. Mai . . . " Hakkai started, only to be cut short by Sanzo's fan finding two targets.

"Ouch, shit. What was that for?"

"Ssaannzzoo!" Goku whined.

"Shut up both of you! Before you force me to kill you."

"Ne? Sanzo?"

"What now, Saru?"

"I'm really hungry. Can we travel at night . . . just this once?" they all looked at the boy. Hakuryuu made the decision for them by transforming into Jipu.

"Kyu!"

By the time Sanzo had finished sighing, everyone was packed and ready to go.

"Sanzo! Hurry up!" Goku yelled.

"Yea, yea." Sanzo muttered as he climbed in.

XxXxXxXxX

This is NOT the end. But it may take me awhile to put the next part up. I have mid terms coming up soon and final projects to finish. (Start) so, please R&R and I'll post ASAP. K? Thanks a lot.

Booklover9- you are becoming my favorite person! Thank you so much for reviewing every chapter. It means that someone is watching it progress, which makes your reviews that much more important cause you have been following at each step. I hope that you will like this one. I'm making them longer. So that you don't have to click so much. LOL. I hope that you will continue to review.

FallenTruth- Thank you very much. I wanted to show what they were afraid of. And the dreams come into play in little pieces throughout the story. You see. It's tossed in there very well, without me having to be blunt about it. I also wanted to show what they had to over come in their relationships. I hope that I did. Thank you for your review. I hope you will review this chapter also.


	5. good idea, bad idea

Well, it's not mine. Hmm wish lists this year.

Saiyuki

Tsubasa

Fruits Basket

XXXholic

DNAngel

and a whole bunch more that I would love to own. But at the moment they still belong to the respective owners.

Oh well. Here we go with the next part.

Time for another Good idea, Bad idea.

After driving for most of the day, the tired travelers still hadn't reached a town. At noon Hakkai said that they had to stop, Jipu was hungry and tired and Hakkai wasn't going to make him go any further. So they broke camp, much to Goku's dismay. Hakkai tired everything to make up for the fact that they hadn't reached a town like the teen wanted, but nothing helped. Hakkai even said he'd make the poor monkeys favorite trail food, but he still seemed worried and a bit scared.

"Oi! Monkey. Come and help me get firewood if you want to be eating tonight." and without anything said Goku followed Gojyo out of the camp. Hakkai smiled realizing he was alone with Sanzo and they had nothing to do till the 'children' got back.

"Sanzo-san?"

"What now?"

"Play poker with me?"

"What are the stakes?" Sanzo asked, not one to be fooled. Hakkai startled for a minute before placing his smile back on.

"Truthful answers."

"Both ways?" Sanzo said after awhile.

"Hai."

"Your deal."

XoXoXoX

"Oi! Dumbass! What's wrong?" Goku just shook his head at the question and continued walking. Gojyo reached out and grabbed him by his collar. "You'd better start talking to me!" the monkey just turned to face him, head down so his eyes were shadowed.

"Or else what?" he asked softly, waiting to watch Gojyo absorb what he said. "You'll call me a Dumbass and hit me? Hmm, nope, sorry you do that when I talk to you, so where's the difference?"

Gojyo was left speechless. He reached out and lifted the boy's head, tears streamed down his face catching the moonlight and making them glow.

"Goku . . . " was all he managed before the monkey launched himself forward and hugged Gojyo.

"Gomen Gojyo. I. . . I don't know why I said that. I didn't mean to snap at you. Gomen."

Gojyo paused for a minute before putting his arms around Goku and rubbing small circles on the boys back, like his brother used to do for him.

"Oi, Goku? Care to tell me what wrong?"

"Swear on Hakkai you won't laugh or ever tease me?"

Gojyo stopped to think about it for a second.

"I swear I will try my best to remember not to. I can't promise more then that."

"Remember the night I caused all the fuss in the hotel?"

"Yea."

"Well before that Sanzo had been having a bad dream. I went to wake him, when he woke up on his own. I. . . I kissed him. After I answered his question, we went back to sleep. The next time I woke up you were all there, so I pretended to stay asleep to find out what I had done this time, who I had hurt. You guys didn't say anything I understood so I asked Sanzo what I'd done. Sanzo kissed me, opened his eyes and told me to stay quiet, then he turned away from me and went to sleep."

Goku stopped here. As his voice cracked, tears where now a river flowing down his face. Gojyo wiped them with his thumb, feeling the power the even his tears had in them.

"Goku?"

"Hai?" came the choked reply.

"Why do you think he turned away?"

"Because he was disgusted with me."

"Why do you think that?"

"Because I'm a boy . . . and a youkai to boot."

"What!"

"That's why he turned away isn't it? To pretend I was a girl?"

"I hope not. Now dry up the tears. You never go into battle upset."

"Nani?"

XoXoXoX

"Two pair, Aces high." Sanzo said laying down his hand. Hakkai put his hand out, and he had the other pair of Aces.

"Your question Sanzo-san."

"Why Gojyo?"

"Gojyo was always there for me, ever since he found me out in the rain. And over time I got to see the parts of him that no one else did. All of him, the hard parts and the soft parts. The fact that he's male doesn't matter to me. I love the person inside, no matter what body he's in." With that Hakkai handed the cards to Sanzo. "Your deal."

Hakkai won the next round with a straight over Sanzo's pair of jacks.

"Your question." Sanzo said.

"Why did you release Goku?"

"Because he was abandoned and he wouldn't shut up."

"You must answer completely Sanzo."

"Because he reminded me of me. I felt sorry for him, and he shut up. Good enough?"

"Hai." Hakkai said as he dealt out the next round. Sanzo lost again.

"Go." He growled.

"Do you give a damn about that boy?"

"He's my responsibility. If he goes berserk, I'll have to kill him." Hakkai passed him the cards, and lost the next round.

"Do you give a damn about that Kappa?"

"Hai. I love that kappa. He made me a person and not just a killer. He filled up the parts of me that were hollow. My life hasn't been the same since I met him." Sanzo passed the cards back.

"Last round Sanzo-san?" Hakkai asked while he shuffled. Sanzo nodded tired of this game.

Hakkai won. Royale flush over Sanzo's straight flush.

"Fine what is it this time?"

"I give you a choice. Do you find Goku attractive in anyway?"

"Or?" Sanzo asked

"Or do you love him?"

Sanzo was so surprised his mouth fell open. After he recovered, he pulled his gun.

"Die." Sanzo growled. Hakkai helped up his hands. "Yes." Sanzo finally said.

"Yes to which?" Hakkai said quietly.

"Pick one!" the gun never moved. Now he shoved it in the youkai's face. "If you ever tell anyone, I will kill you."

Hakkai once again let his smile fall. "That was never my intention Sanzo-san"

"Hey Sanzo!" Goku called. "Why are you pointing a gun at Hakkai?"

"None of your damn business Saru." He said putting the gun away, and pulling out his fan.

"Ouch! What was that for?" Goku whined holding his head.

"To shut you up." Sanzo answered with a disgusted sigh. Goku looked over at Gojyo who offered him a reassuring smile. Gojyo then went over to help Hakkai with the little food they had left to make for supper.

"Is Goku okay?"

"Not yet, but he will be." Gojyo said trying to look mysterious.

"What did you say to him?"

"Nothing. What did you find out?"

"Nothing." Hakkai said mimicking Gojyo's smile.

"Hey! Hakkai!" Gojyo said as he wrapped his arms around the smaller youkai.

"Are you going to fill me?"

"I told Goku to seduce him." Gojyo said looking at Hakkai for the praise, which he was sure would come. He wondered what when wrong when Hakkai's face fell.

"Nani!" with that he moved quickly out of the other youkai's embrace over to where was setting up the wood for the fire. A thoughtful expression on the boy's face.

"Ne, Goku?" Hakkai said quietly, the small sound still caused the boy's head to snap up and his eyes to meet his.

"Hai?"

"Don't do what Gojyo told you. It's more important to be loved for whom you are. Not who you pretend to be."

Goku lowered his head and seemed to think about it for a moment before raising his tear-streaked faced to Hakkai's. "Are you?" the child asked.

"Of course he is." Both of them jumped at the sound of Gojyo's voice. "Why would you think that he wasn't?"

Hakkai's eyes grew wide with the sentence, hope for his future, his direction flowing through him. Goku just looked down small fire that he had just started.

"Hakkai . . . " Goku trailed off.

"Hai?"

"Never mind." He said softly. Suddenly he bounced up. "Ne, Sanzo? Are we going to eat soon?"

Sanzo sighed. He really didn't want to have to deal with the monkey right now, especially after his episode with Hakkai. "Baka saru." He muttered under his breath.

"Ne? Sanzo? Ne? Ne? Ne? Ouch!" Goku exclaimed as the fan found its target yet again.

"Shut up before I shoot you. Now, unless you are willing to find food, we have none. YOU ate it all yesterday!" Sanzo said, slightly pleased when the boy's face fell.

"Hakkai?" the boy turned to the green eyed, who seemed to have infinite patience for his little monkey. _Dammit!_ Sanzo thought. _I'm not about to be jealous of Hakkai_, _as he obviously likes being in bed with the pervert_.

"I'm afraid that's true Goku." Hakkai said smiling at the boy. He loved watching Sanzo face when the monkey turned to him for confirmation. It was almost like the priest was jealous. _Almost? He is very definitely jealous._ Hakkai thought, laughing at the Priest. He thought were cut by Goku's shout.

"NANI?"

XoXoXoX

Booklover9 and Fallentruth thank you both so much for your reviews. I am so sorry that this took so long to up-date. I have a really good reason though okay? If you want to know I'll tell you in the next chapter. And I'm trying to see if I can get a couple of more review before I post the next part.

The next part of this story may also take some time to get up. It's one of the parts that got torn up so I'm trying to remember what's in it. Please bare with me it was all writting out a one point but now a couple of parts are missing like I said near the beginiging.

Thanks to all who review. They are all greatly appreciated. All thoughts, idea's comments and flames are taking into consideration. So please continue to review.

Ja ne

Kat


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